Dear You,

I tried.

I tried to shame myself into sobriety. To punish my way into a better life. I thought if I could just hate the broken parts enough, they’d disappear.

But healing doesn’t work like that.

Self-hate might fuel a few days of white-knuckled willpower, but it won’t sustain transformation. Why? Because the part of you that reaches for the substance—the behavior, the binge, the escape—isn’t evil. It’s trying to help. In a twisted, wounded way, it’s trying to keep you alive.

Addiction is often rooted in a history of neglect, trauma, unmet needs. That, of course is in addition to a biological make-up that may have caused predisposition towards substance use disorder.

It’s a strategy that once made sense—even if it stopped working long ago. When we approach it with self-loathing, we deepen the very wounds that led us here.

Neuroscience tells us that lasting change is possible, but only when the brain feels safe. Self-compassion activates parts of the brain responsible for regulation, problem-solving, and future planning. Shame does the opposite—it shuts down learning, increases stress hormones, and drives us back toward the familiar relief of our old patterns.

In other words: you can’t heal in a state of war with yourself.

What helped me wasn’t judgment. It was curiosity.

What was I needing? What was the pain underneath? What did my body need to sustain healing?

The answer didn’t come all at once. But with time—and tenderness—it did come. Recognizing and being willing to receive help is the first step.

And no, it didn’t erase the shame overnight. But it made room for something stronger: compassion.

You don’t have to love every part of your story.

But you can learn to hold it.

And from there, healing begins.

With grace,

L